ARIZONA

A friend asked me what I hope to gain by visiting my father’s gravesite in Arizona. That’s a good question that I’m sure I’ll deal with more as the time gets closer. For now I’m not real sure other than to know that there must be some personal reason that I’d like to go out there. All I can think of now is maybe it’s my way of reconnecting with Dad in some esoteric manner. I know that is a bit silly since I really can’t connect to him. Nevertheless, I think it does something for us to stand in remembrance of our family and friends. All through the Bible, God tells His people to remember many acts of faith, deliverance, and history. Even Christ spoke the words, “Do this in remembrance of Me.” Whatever it is that I seek by going out there, I hope I find it or it finds me. Although barely a week goes by that I don’t dream of my father, including last night, his death is something that I dealt with many years ago. So, I don’t think it is anything like that. I think that it’s been nearly twenty years since I’ve visited his gravesite and it’s one thing that I sought to do once more before I die myself. Arizona is a long way to go but at least I’ll be flying out there. My older brother and I are traveling there together.

ILLINOIS

I thank you for your patience in reading my blog. I realize that the posts of the past week are more about me than usual. It’s hard to be very introspective when the neurons don’t seem to be firing too well. We’ll just chalk it up to the fog of a pharmaceutical war going on in my body. I have these dreadful days periodically when I’m rather sick and have difficulty getting my bearing. However, this past week was the first time in a long time that it stuck with me so consistently. I’ve been in a bit of a tizzy about it because we were having the whole family together for Easter and I wanted to feel good. Not only that, but I’m in Illinois right now having made the trip yesterday. I wrote this blog ahead of time so I can’t tell you how I did. That will have to wait until I get back. Nevertheless, I am glad that I was feeling stronger before we left. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be much help driving. Next Thursday is when I leave for Arizona. More about that tomorrow.

BETTER TODAY

I’m glad to report that I’m feeling noticeably better today. For more than a week I’ve really struggled to put one foot in front of the other. It seemed that every little effort zapped my strength and led to a multi-hour nap. Living a matter of years seemed a stretch when I couldn’t seem to get my mind cleared enough to go much more than a few hours at a time. Whenever we have guests or when we travel, I am usually able to suck it up enough to seem normal. Easter weekend was a constant struggle and I don’t think I ever got it sucked up; it sucked me up. I spent most of Monday asleep and barely coherent while awake. I wondered if I was having withdrawals from my narcotic, on days I didn’t take it. Too, I wondered if it was the effects of the air conditioner on my arm and thus system. Whatever it was, it was ugly. Yet, I can always feel something similar tapping me on the shoulder asking me to give in. Then things happen like a show on the Bataan Death March in WW II. To see what those men went through, to listen to their stories, I wonder among all the stupid things in my life if I would be stupid enough to give in when there is still so much potential yet in me. I pray not. I have a constant reminder of what I’m to fight for in my family, friends, and even anonymous blog readers. Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow but I’m thankful to be doing better today.

DREAM ON

Especially with all the naps I take, I have many opportunities to dream. I dream a lot. Some dreams make no sense; some dreams are about you; and some dreams renew old faces and times that are more than thirty years old. Sometimes I wake up while exhorting a certain viewpoint in my dream. Still in a fog, I’ll keep on urging that point of understanding although I know I’m awake. I’ve even carried the discussion on into the shower! A curious aspect of my dreams is that all my dreams show my right arm as being normal. It’s odd to watch me at present age doing things with my right arm that I suppose I can only dream about. I replay those dreams at times. Some of my dreams are very weird and I wonder what spurns them. Others seem to align with current events. Once in awhile I learn something rather profound or gain a helpful insight. I keep a notepad by my bed and will make a note of it as I awake, whether that is in the middle of the night, afternoon, or evening. If I don’t, then I forget the message when I get up except to know that it was special. Some of those notes have appeared as the subject of some of my blogs. Even so, most of the time, I don’t know what to make of my dreams and I just dismiss them. Over the weekend I dreamed that I was writing a blog post. I was writing about the fact that some people just don’t want to get along. Those people tend to fight smiles and look on the negative side of things. I woke up and felt moved to write that item down. I thought that someone somewhere in my blogosphere needs to hear that simple indicting statement. If it is you, I pray it helps awaken something in you to see life through faith and hope.

PUSH ON

Ever since my childhood accident in which I had a death experience, I’ve never dreaded dying. However, my will to live was strengthened in having a wife and children. I have a lot to live for. Even so, eventually after my cancer diagnosis I came to accept the inevitability of my death as being something that was closer than it had been since that childhood accident. I came to think of death as something which must happen at some point anyway in the course of history. Then, I’ll be remembered for a time but forgotten within a matter of generations in the same way that I can’t name a single relative that lived a handful of generations ago. That’s just the way it goes. In the meantime, I hope to have been found in the Book of Life and enjoying the blessings of heaven. This Easter weekend it was different though. With the gathering of the family I felt the will to live surge within me. Peering at my wife and children, I felt the dread of dying for perhaps the first time. Now, if I can just get my energy level back up to match the surge I’ve felt. It seems that every little thing wears me out. It feels like there is an obstacle out there in front of me that I have a choice to crawl over or stop at its base. I know that I must push on.