Horse and Cart

In all fairness to Dr. Tan, he didn’t say anything different than he said at my very first visits. Dr. Tan was the messenger of my bad news the other day, however, I deliver bad news to people once in a while and I know it’s not right to shoot the messenger. The bad news was created by me creating my own set of expectations. I’ll explain.
As I mentioned, Dr. Tan initially told us that my form of CML was going to have a bad outcome. He told us it would go acute requiring bone marrow transplantation and all the rest. He didn’t ever cause me to believe otherwise. I’m the one who changed the terms of the game. Through the year, I allowed myself to get caught up in all the stories of people who have CML leukemia and other cancers that became asymptomatic, in remission, or cured. While my blood tests responded at a near-miraculous rate, I suppose I presumed I had crossed over onto a different path and would soon be in remission too, just like all those people I heard about. In reality, Dr. Tan told us what to expect. I took other people’s stories and transposed them onto me.
Although I am greatly disappointed that my type of CML doesn’t go into remission or cure, in reality that is no different than what Dr. Tan first told us. I’m kind of embarrassed about getting knocked off balance like that. I’m the guy who tells people to dream big, be full of blessed hope, but keep expectations manageable. Then what did I do? I turned other people’s cancer success stories into my own expectations. From now on, I’ll expect the disease to follow its natural course of events until and unless God intervenes. On one hand, God has already given me speedy progress which appears to have saved my spleen. On the other hand, our death is not a matter of “if;” it’s a matter of “when.” My father died of cancer at age 53; I’m 51. I’m pretty sure that I’ll surpass his tenure. But miracles come in all shapes and sizes. I’ve received so many miracles and I’ve seen many miracles too; I’m the most blessed person I’ve ever known. I have no complaints as I am lifted by the prayers and love of so many. Furthermore, I have a persistent streak. Eileen would perhaps call it a stubborn streak if she ever lowered herself enough to talk that way about me!! Anyway, I don’t give up easy and I will continue to expect the Lord to work through me, through it all. By the way, when I was in practice, I had little signs on the ceilings that patients would see while they were lying on their backs. The signs read, “Expect a miracle today.” I’ll keep expecting a miracle each day, but I’ll be more careful to not let the cart get ahead of the horse.