Night Cap

I’ll be leaving to go home after Eileen calls her mother. Eileen is eating right now; she is eating regular food, eating extra slow, and chewing her food extra thoroughly. She was offered another Percocet but she asked to wait until after she eats to take it. Evidently she didn’t enjoy her little escapade earlier today. Frankly, I didn’t enjoy watching her go through it. Anyway, she is feeling better as she eats but definitely wants some help from the pain pills. She also gets an anti-inflammatory in the IV every six hours. It seems that all the areas which were under local anesthesia after the surgery are beginning to wake up. Most of her pain is still in the lower pelvic area.
Eileen is a very strong and tough woman. When she wants pain medication, one can be assured that she needs it. But overall, she is doing the best she has today.

Vomitus Maximus

A breakthrough moment came when everything Eileen has been drinking made a reappearance. Her stomach has been unsettled ever since they gave her Percocet on an empty stomach this morning. Nothing seemed to go too right after that. Finally it all came up, overflowing the container by a lot. There was quite a mess. I was trying to shuttle the full container back and forth to the bathroom but that left nothing for Eileen to use. Again, there was quite a mess. We hit the nurses’ button but it didn’t work. After Eileen was finished I summoned help. They took Eileen to the shower while another crew stripped the bed and cleaned all the mess up in no time.
Eileen feels immensely better. She has no abdominal distress at all now. Her lower pelvic pain is about a 1 or 1½. Now she has put her contacts in and has really come alive. I’m going to go to the cafeteria and get something to eat so I can take my chemo before Eileen’s tray comes. We’ll see how Eileen feels after she eats.

This Afternoon

This afternoon has not been too good for Eileen. The abdominal distress has been significant with small intervals of feeling good. During the good times we have been walking as advised. Right now Eileen is lying on her side with her bowl clutched near her head. Her eyes are closed and she is resting peacefully.
After several minutes of sleep, Eileen woke up feeling much better. On a scale of ten, her pain was previously a six. Now it has gone down to a three. She doesn’t feel like going for another walk yet but the smiles are coming a little easier now.

Up and About, Sort of

I went home to see our younger daughter, tend to some business, and take a shower. A short time later I headed back up to the hospital. Early this afternoon, Eileen took a shower and we walked down to the nurses’ station. Her stamina isn’t very good and will have to improve if she is going to work in the yard tomorrow afternoon!!
Eileen is having quite a bit of stomach distress and can only eat VERY small portions. She doesn’t have much of an appetite. The pain and nausea is worse when she sits or stands up. Even so, Eileen is in great spirits. She has tried every button on the automatic bed to find a position which takes the pressure off her abdomen. I just finished gently massaging her abdomen and back. Now, she is falling off to sleep. Hopefully she’ll feel better when she awakes.

Cute Response

When we were in Pennsylvania visiting our ball playing son, we met his host family. They are very delightful and appear to be in their late twenties with one child who is three. The mom is a college professor and the dad is a physician’s assistant. They have a big house and have opened one room for our son and another for another player. They were highly complementary of our son and the other player; they don’t even charge the boys rent. Anyway, when we were talking to them, they said that they told their little boy that they are going to have a baby, thus he was going to have a little brother or sister. The little boy had a cute response. He said, “I don’t want a brother or sister; I want a ballplayer!”

Surgeon Visit

The surgeon just examined Eileen and loosened some of the packing. The packing and catheter come out tomorrow and she will be able to go home about midday. In the meantime, Eileen is supposed to get up and take a shower today, sit in a chair to eat, and walk down to the nurses’ station at least three times.
After the morphine was removed earlier, they gave Eileen Percocet. It has made Eileen rather nauseas so they are going to give her something for it. They want the nausea settled down before she eats. The doctor doesn’t want increased abdominal pressure on her.
I’ll go home after Eileen eats and gets a shower. I’ll take a little nap and get a shower too before heading back up here. I also need to reload my medication vial for this evening’s dosage. I will probably sleep at home tonight unless Eileen has troubles today. Everything continues to go well and we continue to be thankful for the prayers and good tidings.

Morning Update

Eileen slept fairly well considering all the usual hospital interruptions for vital signs and additional medication doses. It’s 6:30 am and the nurse just removed Eileen’s morphine and IV bag. The IV needle and line still remains. Eileen didn't use much morphine through the night. One of the surgical assistant doctors just came in to examine and check on Eileen. We asked how much of a hysterectomy was done; the doctor said it was complete: Uterus and ovaries. There was also a biodegradable “sling” put in to hold up and retain the other structures which had fallen. Part of the large intestine, bladder, and uterus had herniated through the retaining structures in the pelvic soft tissues. Now, the uterus is removed and the other structures are either “slung” or restrained into their natural position. All the packing and catheter have to remain for 48 hours. The surgeon should be by shortly. By the way, I cleared this descriptive blog post with Eileen before posting it.

Night Update

As long as Eileen remains reclined she feels pretty good and uses less morphine. The nurse commented that Eileen isn’t using all the morphine she is allotted per hour. I asked if I could have what she isn’t using. She was amused but said no!! Anyway, Eileen has been dozing in and out most of the evening. We listened to our son’s baseball game on the internet. He played real well hitting a double and throwing a runner out. That kept Eileen’s spirits up too…when she wasn’t dozing off. She slept most of the time but got to hear the game’s highlight replay in which his plays were mentioned several times. That was a good note for her to go back to sleep on.
The nurse just came in to give Eileen her little breathing toy. Eileen definitely has a good set of lungs on her. She far exceeded the nurse’s expectations. However, I’m worried about Eileen’s mental status. She just said that the catheter is a good thing!! I’m interested to see how all of her profound proclamations will play out after they take the morphine away from her!! When Eileen is awake she is VERY and EXCEEDINGLY talkative. So, once in a while I reach over and push her morphine button!! JUST KIDDING!!! As I said, Eileen dozes in and out a lot. She is on a clear liquid diet. She asked me to get her some more Jello and Italian Ice. I walked to the nearby nurses’ station and got it from the refrigerator and freezer. In the short span I was gone, Eileen was fast asleep when I got back to the room. The morphine certainly has a hold of her.
I am almost giddy myself. No, I haven’t been using any of Eileen’s drugs. It’s that I’m very thankful as to how well Eileen is doing so far. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

End of Day One

The surgery on Eileen was quite extensive. Nearly every structure in her pelvis area had to be worked on directly or indirectly. She is on a morphine pump and describes her pain as a “3” on a scale of one to ten. The morphine gets taken away from her tomorrow; we’ll see how she does from there.
I’m in the hospital room next to Eileen, typing while she sleeps. The room has internet access so I’ll be able to post this right after writing it. Anyway, I’ll be sleeping here tonight. The room is set up for someone to stay the night in a recliner or a long (6’) padded bench. +++ The doctor just came and checked on Eileen. She told Eileen that she’d be here for two days because of the extensive work that was done on her. The doctor answered some of my anatomical questions and then said she’d be back in the morning. Anyway, I’ll spend at least the first night here. Our daughter-in-law and youngest daughter are bringing a few things that we didn’t think of, including an arm sleeve for my right arm. This is a very nice room with an individual thermostat. It’s a lot warmer in here now than when we first got in here!! The nurses’ station has all kinds of drinks and snacks available to the patient and family. All-in-all, it’s a great place but I really don’t like hospitals…even as a visitor. But, I’m really not a visitor right now; I’m a caretaker. I must be doing a great job because Eileen is back to sleep!!

Eileen Surgery

We arrived at the hospital for Eileen’s 8am appointed time. After checking in and paying our co-pay, we went to the first of several holding areas. We sat there for about twenty minutes before they moved a group of us to another part of the hospital. We sat there for quite a while until they took Eileen to pre-op and sent me to the waiting room. After a while, they called for me to come back to the pre-op area to be with Eileen. She was in a lovely green hospital gown, had an IV in the back of her left hand, and was wearing her normal beautiful smile. We were there for quite a while as the surgical rooms were all busy. In fact, we were back there so long that one of our friends who came to sit with me wondered if something happened to me. Eventually though, they wheeled Eileen away and sent me back to where a couple of dear friends were still waiting for me. Eileen’s surgery began around 12:30 and the doctor came back out to talk to me around 2:30pm.
The doctor said the surgery went well and that Eileen could do anything around the house that I needed her to do - - - just kidding. Actually she said that she’ll be in the hospital for two days and is not to do repetitive maneuvers or lifting. The doctor then put her hands on her hips and said she is not to mow the yard either. I asked if she could weed-eat!! “Absolutely not!!” she laughingly responded.
Eileen is in recovery right now. I’ll close this now in case they are about to call me back. I don’t want to tell them that I have to finish my blog before I go back!! Anyway, I am very thankful things went well. I’ll update again tonight.

Family Time

Our youngest daughter stayed home while we were on our trip. My mom stayed at our house with her while we were gone. Having been selected as a section leader in band, she didn’t want to leave her responsibilities to the new band members. We agreed. Upon returning, we were very happy to see her and she was happy to see us.
Our younger son is in Pennsylvania playing pro baseball. He sometimes thinks his career may be ending soon but he’s hanging tough. Although we didn’t get to see him play, we did watch his team and got to see him in uniform. We spent the following day with him before he had to report back to the ball field. He has a very positive attitude and we hope his dreams pan out for him.
Our older daughter graduated from Navy Officer Development School. She was very excited to graduate and happy to have gone through the experience. Although she is headquartered out of the Navy hospital in Beaufort, SC., she has been assigned as the sole healthcare administrator to the nearby Parris Island medical clinic. That is the clinic on the Marine Corps base. The Marines don’t have medical personnel; the Navy takes care of them.
Our oldest child is on a business trip in Orlando. He is an electrical & computer engineer who is a civil service employee working for the Navy. He mainly works with flight simulators and is currently working on procuring the next generation of simulators.
Eileen goes to the hospital this morning. She’s been doing the preparatory regimen for her surgery. She seems ready.
As for me, I’ve slept most of Monday. I can’t recall ever sleeping that much in one day; I must have needed it. I wrote this blog post Monday night so that I could feel like I did something!!

Tripped Up

We arrived back in town yesterday evening after covering 3500 miles in six days. We had some long traveling days with ugly traffic jams but we also had wonderful visits with our son in Pennsylvania and daughter in Rhode Island. After taking our daughter down to South Carolina, we hustled home. Eileen has lab work this morning with surgery tomorrow. Eileen and I are both quite tired but the trip was well worth it. Personally, I’m beyond tired; I’m almost weary. However, we would do the whole experience again as soon as we catch our breath. Even so, it’s good to be home as I feel like I can fight better at home than on the road.
Dr. Tan called me Friday to tell me that my insurance company now requires that my tests be sent to the “wrong lab.” I suppose that is where the insurance company has a new contract. So, we’ll have to track my numbers using this lab instead of the one we’ve been using all along. This appears to be an extension of the direction healthcare has been going and a preview of things to come; we can choose our own health providers and labs but insurance will only pay for their certain ones.
For now, I’m going to post a blog at least every Monday. I’ll post more often this week to keep you informed of Eileen’s progress. I missed writing the blog while we were gone but I’ll see how it goes now that we are back.

Ego Vobis Valedico

This is Latin for “I say good-bye to you.” We are on the road right now traveling to Pennsylvania to see our baseball playing son and then on to Rhode Island for our daughter’s Navy Officer Development School graduation. We will be back in a week, two days before Eileen’s surgery. While we are gone we will have house sitters and our dog Ellie keeping the house company. This also marks the beginning of a one week hiatus in the blog. After today, the next blog post will be June 28th. Eileen wondered if I’ll be able to go a week without writing the blog. We’ll see!! We had hoped to take our time on this trip but a little surgery item crept onto the calendar. We will be pushing right along nearly every day.
Eileen’s mother and sister-in-laws will be here the day after Eileen gets home from the hospital, July 2nd. Let me tell you about my sister-in-laws. Not only is my mother-in-law very capable, all of my sister-in-laws are also very capable women. Not only will they have this place running like clockwork, but they might actually get me doing something too!! We are blessed to have the ones who are coming and the loving support of those who aren’t. My mother-in-law will stay here for a couple of weeks while the sister-in-laws will be here for a few days before heading back to Illinois. Indeed, we are blessed.
Finally then, yes, I’m still feeling like a section was taken out of my hide the other day at Dr. Tan’s office, but I’m pressing on. With the challenges and issues which have been holding you back, I hope you are pressing on too. I’ll talk to you next week; have a great week!!

Through the Fire

Although it’s my fault for transposing others’ results into my expectations regarding my cancer prognosis, it doesn’t take the sting out of the reality of what I face. Although I doubt you could tell a difference in my spirit from the last time you saw me, I am wounded right now. As I stare this reality down again and blog through it, I’ll be fine--- but let me tell you what weighs on me: It’s the bone marrow transplant.
Before everyone tells me of all the successful transplant stories, I know that this option is a living hell and the results are marginal. I know about the 24/7 chemo and radiation combination for a week which destroys the marrow so completely that people often get a new blood type. I know that one then has to live in a sterile bubble for a while and can’t have contact with anyone under 10 for a couple of years. On top of that, rejection is an issue and life expectancy isn’t all that great afterwards. If it was just me in the picture when the “transition” comes, I’d say let me go. But it’s a little harder to tell my wife and kids that I’m just going to roll over and die rather than man-up and go through all that. That will be the difficult fork in the road.
Well, as Dr. Tan initially said, that could be ten years off and who knows what drugs might be on the market by then. If it is ten years, I will have reached sixty years of age. The decisions might be different then. Said another way, the viable options for a 60 year old under our new health care system might make my decision for me!! Besides, who knows what the Lord might have in mind too.
I don’t mean to whine and I’m sure some of you can see through what I am doing. I am working through some of this in front of you, not just for my benefit. It’s all of us who too often allow bad news to keep us devastated for extended periods of time, sometimes years. I go through difficult times too; but we all have to be willing to walk through the fire rather than go hide or try to go around it. It’s the only way to emotionally and spiritually come through to the other side healthy. There are issues that some hang onto for years because they won’t face the fire. As fire forges steel, the fires in our lives steel up our resolve, character, and spirituality.
Finally, I’m always mindful of those who hold our hand with prayer, love, and goodness as we go through the fire. Thank you.

Horse and Cart

In all fairness to Dr. Tan, he didn’t say anything different than he said at my very first visits. Dr. Tan was the messenger of my bad news the other day, however, I deliver bad news to people once in a while and I know it’s not right to shoot the messenger. The bad news was created by me creating my own set of expectations. I’ll explain.
As I mentioned, Dr. Tan initially told us that my form of CML was going to have a bad outcome. He told us it would go acute requiring bone marrow transplantation and all the rest. He didn’t ever cause me to believe otherwise. I’m the one who changed the terms of the game. Through the year, I allowed myself to get caught up in all the stories of people who have CML leukemia and other cancers that became asymptomatic, in remission, or cured. While my blood tests responded at a near-miraculous rate, I suppose I presumed I had crossed over onto a different path and would soon be in remission too, just like all those people I heard about. In reality, Dr. Tan told us what to expect. I took other people’s stories and transposed them onto me.
Although I am greatly disappointed that my type of CML doesn’t go into remission or cure, in reality that is no different than what Dr. Tan first told us. I’m kind of embarrassed about getting knocked off balance like that. I’m the guy who tells people to dream big, be full of blessed hope, but keep expectations manageable. Then what did I do? I turned other people’s cancer success stories into my own expectations. From now on, I’ll expect the disease to follow its natural course of events until and unless God intervenes. On one hand, God has already given me speedy progress which appears to have saved my spleen. On the other hand, our death is not a matter of “if;” it’s a matter of “when.” My father died of cancer at age 53; I’m 51. I’m pretty sure that I’ll surpass his tenure. But miracles come in all shapes and sizes. I’ve received so many miracles and I’ve seen many miracles too; I’m the most blessed person I’ve ever known. I have no complaints as I am lifted by the prayers and love of so many. Furthermore, I have a persistent streak. Eileen would perhaps call it a stubborn streak if she ever lowered herself enough to talk that way about me!! Anyway, I don’t give up easy and I will continue to expect the Lord to work through me, through it all. By the way, when I was in practice, I had little signs on the ceilings that patients would see while they were lying on their backs. The signs read, “Expect a miracle today.” I’ll keep expecting a miracle each day, but I’ll be more careful to not let the cart get ahead of the horse.

Horse Talk

Lost in my shock of the “transition” talk yesterday were some of the other details of my doctor’s visit. The CT scan showed that my spleen has shrunk down to almost normal. My liver enzymes were normal which indicates that it is hanging in there with the chemical concoction I’m giving it daily. My other blood chemistries show that I’m still borderline anemic. My blood pressure was great as it was at my family doctor’s visit a couple of weeks ago. Speaking of my family doctor, my cholesterol and other blood lipids were in good shape. In fact, instead of checking it every six months like he has for the last ten years, he’s only going to check it once a year. So, other than a little leukemic cancer, I’m as healthy as a horse!

Restless Night and Test Results

Although a myriad of symptoms keep me from sleeping especially well most nights, tonight my problem is too much anxious energy zooming around my body. Yes, I’m writing the first part of this blog post in the middle of the night, yet to get to sleep. About the time I get close to falling asleep, my mind drifts to today’s appointment with Dr. Tan. As I alluded to yesterday, it’s been six months since I had the specialized tests which indicate the activity of my cancer. That’s a long time to wonder, hope, and pray. I appreciate you doing it right along with me. But it does weigh a little differently when the cancer battle is being waged inside one’s own body. I’m not a nervous type but a lot is riding on the outcome of these tests. Even as positive as I am that the tests will show continued improvement, remission, or “cure,” I’m still a bit anxious. Part of my concern is the way I have been feeling. I like to blame all of my symptoms on the Gleevec and my push to keep going, but sometimes I wonder how much of it is the cancer. In a few short hours I’ll find out. Well, I suppose I should try once again to get to sleep; it’ll soon be time to get up!! I’ll talk to you later after I get my results.

I’m back. Hmmm, where to begin? Well, I was an unintended accomplice to a lab tech losing her job. Also, in a very uncharacteristic mode from Dr. Tan, I witnessed him warn the office staff that he will instantly fire anyone who sends my lab work to the wrong lab… AGAIN!! Yes, despite me reminding the tech and her repeating the correct lab back to me, she sent my blood work to the wrong lab. In Dr. Tan’s discourse, he told the staff that it was written on my requisition form, on the outside of my folder, twice inside the folder, and once on the backside. I’m sorry the tech lost her job but if she can’t get such things right, she needs to work in a different field. After the appointment with Dr. Tan, they drew my blood again. This tech said, “Wow, I’ve never seen Dr. Tan upset like that before; we don’t like to see him upset.” I responded, “Well, this is an easy one to avoid.” She assured me she would get it right. Having said all that, the wrong lab they sent it to is the same wrong lab they sent it to last time. Therefore, Dr. Tan was able to compare it to that time. My numbers are better but still worrisome. Dr. Tan told me that he’s going to wait until I go into “Transition” before doing another bone biopsy. At that point he’ll refer me to M.D. Anderson in Texas. I was stunned. At the beginning of all this last year, Dr. Tan told Eileen and me that my variety of CML wouldn’t go into remission but would eventually “transition” into the acute form. That is the very nasty and wicked stuff that pierces my heart to even think about. Although my numbers have gone way down, Dr. Tan apparently expects them to just hover in the low range until it goes crazy. My last appointment was six months ago, I have to see him again now in three months. Bummer.
My Gleevec dosage has to remain as is and Dr. Tan wrote me another prescription for nausea medicine. He’ll email me with the result of today’s blood draw, provided it goes to the correct lab!!
I’m still a little in shock with a touch of bewilderment. This is not the way I had it figured to go. I was sure that I’d be in remission or at its cusps. I didn’t think the conversation would be about “Transition.” By the way, isn’t “transition” the especially tough phase of labor? Anyway, this has set me back a bit today. I’ll lament it for a brief period and then get on with living life. I’ll remind myself of what I told Dr. Tan, “I’m not complaining; I know a lot of people have it a lot worse.”
So, thank you for your continued love and prayers, and for remembering me this day. On a scale of ten, I went in to the clinic feeling like a nine and came out a two. I’ll be back to normal before most of you read this blog post. Thank you again for your love, support, and prayers.

Remission and Cure

It feels a little odd that I’m writing about my CT scan. It seems that is wasn’t too long ago that I wrote about it; but that was a year ago. At 9am yesterday, I drank the barium smoothie. Again, I’m not sure who they are trying to kid by calling it a smoothie. I got it down fine but there was nothing “smoothie” about it. I arrived a little before my 10am appointment. I filled out some paperwork and then paid my co-pay. After waiting about twenty minutes they called me back. Last year I had to drink two barium smoothies. This year I only had to have one. I thought maybe I wouldn’t have to have the IV needle too this year. I thought wrong. The tech inserted the needle and then said to my arm/needle, “No, don’t do this to me!” Coincidentally, I was thinking the same thing!! Then she did a little wallowing around with the BIG needle until she finally got it in the vein correctly. I was a little uptight and the perspiration was beginning to rain as she did this. She then did the IV flush which I could feel so I presumed the needle was well into the vein. I gingerly walked where she instructed me into the CT suite, not wanting to dislodge the needle. I had to take my phone off and belt too. I had to do that with my left arm which had the needle in it. That was a little exquisite but not too bad. While lying on the CT scanner, she told me that I’d feel a strong warmth and a sensation like I was wetting my pants. She asked if I remembered that from last year. I smiled and said, “Oh, yes, I remember.” Well, she assured me that it was just a sensation but nothing would be happening. She gave me the dosage which seemed stronger than last year. Perhaps it seemed stronger because last year I expected the worst and this year I didn’t. In no time, the study was completed. Despite the initial needle trouble, the experience was far better this year than last year. The tech did great.
At 9am this morning I’ll be with Dr. Tan, if he is on time!! What are my feelings right now? Well, I’m expecting very good news. At the worst, I’m expecting “remission.” At the best, I’m expecting “cure.” I’d be especially thankful for anything between the two also!! I’m fairly resigned to still having to take Gleevec at some dosage. Hopefully it will be a lower intensity. I’m also somewhat resigned to having to have another bone biopsy, but I will try to talk Dr. Tan out of it!! No, I’m not kidding!!
In other news, the publisher people are keeping me busy. They also asked if I had a list of people I want them to notify by email when the book is about to be released. I’m still thinking about how to handle that one.
Well, that’s about it for today. Tomorrow will be the news that I’ve been waiting to hear for the last six months. Hopefully, it’s the news I’ve been waiting to hear since I was diagnosed!!

Grin and Bear It

I have my CT scan this morning and I hope that my experience isn’t eventful enough to write about tomorrow!! I’ll write something about it though. My appointment with Dr. Tan is tomorrow too. I’ll have plenty to report, provided they sent the tests to the right place!! Remember, I reminded them when they took my blood to send it to the right lab. So, if they didn’t, I tear the place apart!! Just kidding!!
I want to express my great thanks for all the support about publishing the book. Some have inquired if I’ll continue to write daily so that I can have a volume II. Whether I continue to write daily or not will not be based on future book prospects. I always want to write the blog with the initial intent I started with, not with the intent to sell books. My first blog post was on May 24, 2009. In it I wrote, “I thought I'd start this blog so that interested people could follow my thoughts, experiences, and progress while battling this disease.” This is the intent I started with and want to continue with. That part of me is not for sale!! I also gratefully acknowledge that many of you suggested that I publish the blog as a book; thank you.
As a reminder, I hope to decide during our Rhode Island trip as to what frequency I’ll continue to write the blog posts. I’ll remind you again next Monday (21st) that my blog will be on hiatus from Monday the 21st until Monday the 28th while on that trip. At this point, I’m leaning towards writing once a week or whenever it strikes me to write, rather than every day. But that is not definite as I’m trying to sense what I’m to do. For those who are interested, if I go to periodic postings rather than daily, my blog site can automatically email you the new postings whenever I post them. That way you don’t have to keep checking or find out at the once a week interval that I made several posts earlier that week. For that service, all you’ll have to do is tell me to add you to the list.
We appreciate all your prayers and other kindnesses you extend for my family and me. While I’m getting my CT scan tomorrow, Eileen has three different doctor appointments. We’ll grin and bear it. She’ll grin and I’ll be a bear!!

Chosen Path

I received some great comments regarding last Thursday’s “Paradox” blog. Thank you.
I’m not sure there is anything which constantly reminds us of the existence of the spiritual world, and the difference between the spiritual and worldly realms, as what Biblical paradoxes do. Even so, as a rule, we still try to live on the wrong side of the paradox, thus repeatedly banging our heads against the wall and wondering why everything in life seems so hard. Yet, we can solve so many of our personal and family issues by just following the paradoxical decrees God has put forth. We are in a tough world but we aren’t helpless in navigating our way through it. Our help is found in tapping into the spiritual realm which is so embodied in paradox. In short, we have to live the Right way, rather than what seems easiest, natural, or most tempting. We don’t have to clear our own path for happiness. It is already there; we just have to choose to walk on it.

Inner Man

I spoke to a group of prisoners at a local prison on Friday. Although I have visited prisoners before, this was the first time I addressed a group of them. What was it like? I’m about to tell you.
First, the prisoners were very courteous, attentive, and interactive. When I asked questions, they offered answers. The first couple of questions I asked were, “What is a 51 year old man, who has cancer, who struggles with sleeping at night, doing getting up early enough to be talking to you at 7am? Why am I here?” Other questions I asked, “How many of you have ever said that you are never coming back to prison? Why does the recidivism rate say that some of you will be back?”
In my talk I stressed that if the man inside doesn’t change, they will hang out again with the same old friends, think and behave the same old ways, and get the same old prison results. I emphasized that their world will never be right unless they get the man inside them right. Further, I highlighted that there are no excuses, no one else to blame, and no one else who can get the man right except themselves. Judging by their interaction, I think we connected very well and a few lights were turned on. Finally, I went through the Five Pillars of spiritual growth as ways to get their inner man right.
Just like when I have visited inmates before, I came away with a distinct impression. These prisoners are the same as you and me except that they have made some bad decisions which cross the legal line. Yet, we struggle with the same things as them: Getting the man/woman right within us. We too blame everyone else and think others owe us. My recent blogs have highlighted our struggle with being “takers” rather than “givers,” and how we think happiness can be found in a pill, powder, potion, or another person. The only difference between us and the prisoners is that they were “takers” a bit more than we are. Finally, we don’t have to look in a prison to see that decisions have consequences. Our families and society are reeling from decisions which are both legal and illegal, yet both against the will of God.
I hope the prisoners enjoyed our interaction as much as I did; I think they did. My prayer is that they get their inner man right so they will make Right decisions in life and travel Right paths.

Under Contract

Well, the old blogs before May 25th are no longer available at the blog site, or anywhere, because we are now under contract for the first year’s blog!! I want to stress that current blog posts and posts after May 25th are still available. As I’ve said previously, I will continue to blog daily until making a decision during our blog hiatus while on our trip to Rhode Island. And so, although I can no longer reprint posts before the 25th to email you or give you, you can still get them all…when the book comes out!! We signed the papers Thursday evening.
As the publisher suggested, we also hired a literary attorney to advise us on getting “permissions” for any and all quotes that I’ve used. That is an expensive move.
Finally, in tribute to the contribution that Eileen has made to the blog posts and thus the book, I gave her half the ownership rights. Since we pool our monies and file jointly, it won’t make any real difference but it’s still a symbolic tribute. The publisher will pay us individually half of any royalties. Although I am the named author, I attribute much of the editing and subject matter inspiration to Eileen. I wouldn’t have done it without her.

In Doggy Defense

Some people take issue with our dog “Ellie” having to have permission on some of her interactions with us. Although this is a defensive blog post, I hope it will also shine light on the bigger picture.
First of all, I treat Ellie in a way similar to people. I respect her species. She is an animal. In other words, she is an animal first and “Ellie” second. Similarly, people are people first and personalities second. So, at the basic level Ellie is an animal with animal instincts trying to coexist in a human world. To save her from having to be reprimanded for behaviors which are natural for her, it’s much easier for her to understand that man has dominion over her. That is the divine order. All that Ellie knows is that we are her pack leaders and thus she does what she would do in the wild: Follow the pack leader. That makes life very simple for her. I understand that for some of you, your animals are nearly co-equals in the household. They live in a world where they do pretty much what they want until they go too far. Then they get reprimanded for doing what is natural for them. Some love their pets as if they are human. In fact, I believe some of you would choose your pet over your spouse if you had to make a choice!! No, I’m not kidding!! Well, if that works for you then great.
Many households that I work with have similar relationships with kids. They treat little Johnny as a personality first and a human being second, thus ignoring or maintaining a blind eye to any negative human tendencies. Soon, the kids have the run of the house by merely doing what comes natural for them. Then the natural divine order is reversed. That might work for you, but for most families that is a living nightmare. What about marriages? Who is the shepherd and who is the nurturer? Is that order reversed too? We should look around and see that we aren’t winning the battle with divorce, emotional problems, or child misbehaviors. They all continue to get worse and tear this great nation apart.
We should think twice about reversing God’s divine order and living on the wrong side of His paradoxes. With Ellie, I’m just maintaining the natural order and balance for an animal. Besides, when our grandchild comes around, I want there to be little question in my mind that Ellie knows that she is to follow the rules, rather than do what might come natural to her with that grandchild.

Leadership

Ellie, our dog, is the friendliest animal we’ve ever had. If fact she is the friendliest animal I’ve ever met. Ellie is an outside dog. However, we let her come in the house regularly but she isn’t allowed to roam. We have parameters in which she can move around the house. Even before she is allowed in, I usually make her sit at the door and relax before I invite her in. When I give her food, I make her sit and wait until I’m finished putting food in her bowl and then invite her to eat. Although Ellie likes to follow us wherever we go, she especially likes to go out to the shed with me; that is where I keep her treats!! Yet, before she comes in the shed she again must wait to be invited. Finally, before I give her the treat, even if I hold it right in front of her nose or mouth, she has to wait until I invite her to take it. Why do I do that? I want her to realize that living with human beings entails certain rules and limitations. Her animal instincts must be subjected to human authority. Further, it makes life much so easier for her to know that the humans are in charge, not the animal. It makes her free to enjoy life without the chaos which ensues when there is a lack of leadership.
The chaos of weak leadership is a problem in our homes too. I’ll sometimes ask a family, “Who sets the rules in the house?” Rather than Mom or Dad speak up, too often they glance back and forth to the kids and say, “We all kind of do it.” To which I respond, “Then no-one does it; it’s a free for all.” Then the parents will generally nod their heads. Parents do their kids a terrible injustice by not being in charge. Kids are supposed to be reared and trained. They aren’t meant to raise themselves or merely co-exist with the parents. Further, it creates untold emotional chaos when the natural order is reversed. Almost always, the kids lose respect for the parents as these poorly adapted kids become the ex post facto leaders of the family.
Why is this on my mind today? More and more we are seeing the societal effects upon kids of parents who are afraid to lead their families. What are they afraid of? They are afraid that the kids will be upset with them. But here’s one of God’s paradoxes: Seek to keep the kids always happy and they’ll destroy your family. On the other hand, do the right thing as parental leaders, whether the kids like it or not at the time, and you’ll eventually earn their undying love and respect. The Bible is full of paradoxes; get them in reverse order and you’ll have chaos.

Carrying On

Although I don’t want to spend too many blogs talking about the publication of the book, there are a few things I want to mention. Also, some of you want publication updates. First though, I want to thank you for the congratulatory notes you’ve sent me. I also want to thank you for reading the blogs, interacting with them/me via emails, and encouraging me to publish them as a book. It is certain to say that I wouldn’t have reached this point without you… not just with the publication, but with the whole cancer journey. You have been a great encouragement to me through it all.
There are still several hurdles I have to jump through yet. One of them is getting legal clearance for all the quotes, news references, and sayings I’ve used. That’s an expensive hurdle to clear. Also, although we are excited to be publishing, the editing process adds to the drain of life. I only have so much energy these days. I’m curious as to how anemic I am. Anyway, the preliminary editing that I needed to do is done; I’ll be waiting on them for the next publishing move. Nevertheless, it’ll take me a few days to recover from the effort I spent on it. Further, mowing was extra hard on me today (Monday). I’m not sure why but life isn’t especially fun right now!!
It may take me a few days to get my blog posts back on queue. After reviewing 397 blog posts, I wonder what else there is to write about!! However, I wondered that after the first few post posts too!! As a reminder, I mentioned quite some time ago that I’ll continue the blogs at least through getting my results back and us heading to Rhode Island. After that I’ll decide the frequency of the blog posts. Some have suggested that this next year’s blog could be volume two of my book!! In truth though, I’d not write to make a volume two, I’d only write if I felt led to inside and I felt like I was doing a service for you and me. At the very least, I’ll write once a week to keep everyone posted on my progress. That leads me to the next point. I’m hoping beyond hope not to have too much to write about this next year, medically that is!!

Calvary Coming

A couple of our sister-in-laws have been doing some planning, and it looks like it has come to fruition. Some days after Eileen’s surgery, they will bring Eileen’s mother from Illinois to our house. The sister-in-laws will head back and leave Eileen’s mother (Eunice) here for a couple of weeks. At first thought, you might think that bringing an 84 year old woman to stay two weeks might be an additional burden to me. But, she is not like a typical 84 year old woman. For example, I asked her a couple of weeks ago how her hip was doing. She said that it bothers her after running the tiller too much. How many 84 year olds do you know who till their gardens? Further, her mind is very sharp. So, we look forward to her being here, and she will be a big help.
Okay, there are going to be those of you (you know who you are!!)who say, “You told us just yesterday that Eileen periodically sends her mom copies of the blog. Are you shamelessly buttering-up your mother-in-law by writing this?!” Shame on you for thinking such a thing!! By the way, Eunice’s sister is almost 99 (ninety-nine) years old, gets around without a cane, and is mentally very sharp. I suspect Eileen’s mom will do just as well. Therefore, she is quite young!! Okay, well, maybe that last one is catering to my mother-in-law!! Anyway, we’re excited to have her.
I also want to thank you for offering your assistance while Eileen is laid up. The way I have it figured, Eileen will get all the rest she needs while under anesthesia; she’ll be up and going in no time!! It’s comments like those which let you know why the sister-in-laws are bringing Eunice!! It isn’t so much to help out but to make sure I don’t get Eileen going too quickly!! Actually, like I said, this was planned by the sister-in-laws which shows just how loving and caring they are, all the way from Illinois. Which reminds me… thank you too for all the love, care, and prayers you have extended to us through all of this.

Lil’ Ol’ Me

This may be one of the most conceited-sounding posts I’ve ever written, but that isn’t what is in my heart and I don’t intend it to be. It just may come across that way.
I’ve spent a good part of the last two days doing some preparatory work on the blog for the publisher. I work as long as my stamina allows me and then I take a considerable break. Anyway, perusing the blog posts have left me with a couple of impressions I’d like to humbly share. First, it is a diary of sorts into our family, my illness, and me. When I first started writing the blog, I would have never predicted that I would have told so much about us. Even my mother-in-law learned more about me reading the blog than she knew in all the previous 30+ years!! So, for those who ask me to write about our family, marriage, and symptoms, I think that the blog delivers more than I would have ever guessed I would have shared. Secondly, the blog is also a devotional of sorts. If it was written by a notable person, I think you would garner the spiritual and relationship gems it contains. Even though it is written by little ole me, I believe it has some divinely inspired information. Lastly, the blog also serves as a dumping ground or dispensary for all that stuff that runs between my cranial neurons!! Now you know what our kids went through during all our family meetings!! I didn’t have a blog in which to download; so I downloaded onto them!! It must not have damaged them too badly; all of them still choose to read the blog.
So what’s the point of today’s post? Eileen told her mom Saturday that the blog is going to be published. We mail blog updates to her every month or so. Her Mom’s reaction was that she thinks people will find the book interesting and helpful. I hope she is right. The blog has been a labor of love and it continues to be. It will have been worth the often unspoken struggle if people find it helpful - - -even if it’s written by lil’ ol’ me.

In Mysterious Ways

I received notification from the publishing company that they have selected my “manuscript” to publish! This means they will publish my first year blog into a book at their own expense, no expense to me. They will pay me “climbing royalties” beginning with a low amount but rising higher if (when!) sales go through the roof. Well, good thing I’m not looking to make a bunch of money off this. However, I would like it published, as I agree with many of you. The blog (book) contains helpful messages for those who will read it and be open to its concepts. These are the very concepts which used to be fundamental to our faith but have gotten lost in the world somehow. So, not only is this a diary of my battle with leukemia, but it’s the spiritual dialog which has been installed in my heart and my soul. I thank you for following the blog and I hope many others will come to like it and benefit from it in the book form.
The publisher advises that I consult an attorney regarding the rights to any quotations or references to living people. So, I’ll do that. I sure don’t want to get sued over a book meant to help others!! The format will be different too. They only allow 15 black and white pictures. I had already learned from the self-publishing people that color pictures are exceedingly expensive.
There is no guarantee that my book will make it to the bookshelves of the bookstores. There are thousands of new books published each year. The publishers of course will do what they can to push my book but bookstore executives make the decisions. Fortunately, my book will be marketed to Christian bookstores too.
Since the publisher is paying for the book, I don’t think I get any complimentary copies. The sample contract does say that I get a 20-30% percent discount for any books I order. I’m checking to see if I at least get one free copy!! I suppose the publisher is looking to recoup his expenses, even if it is from me!! I’ll have to make a decision later how many I want to buy to give away versus sell at my cost. Let’s see…just buying one for everyone in Eileen’s family will help the publisher recoup a portion of their costs!!
Although the publisher says the production time is generally much less than a year, the contract allows them a year to get it into print. I submitted the first year’s worth of blogs and I may have to pull those down once I get under contract. However, anything from May 25th of this year to the present will still be available.
Anyway, I’ll take all of this one step at a time. I’ve already written my acquisition editor with questions which need to be answered…like who pays for me to fly to New York to appear on all the talk shows!! Just kidding about the talk shows.
Finally, thank you again for your prayers and support. Hopefully, the book will reach those meant to read it. As I’ve now begun the editing process, I reminded of what I wrote in the very first blog: "…but I thought I'd start this blog so that interested people could follow my thoughts, experiences, and progress while battling this disease. Further, for those who may find this blog who have been recently diagnosed with CML, I hope my personal account will help ease some of the fear of the unknowns as you take your steps through the process. May you also see the times of humor and be able to maintain a spirit of thanksgiving along the way." Who knew that my blog would lead to a book? “The Lord moves in mysterious ways!!”

Truly Happy

I came across a quote by Groucho Marx which says, “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
In my June 1, 2009, blog I wrote: “A husband and wife are in an auto accident. He gets out screaming at the dead deer which jumped into his path. On the other hand, the wife falls to her knees and thanks God that neither of them was injured. Both were in the same accident, but they chose different attitudes and perspectives.” It is certainly harder to keep a graceful attitude during a time of crisis, but too often we keep a less than graceful attitude even when there is no crisis at all!! In other words, negativity becomes our habitual way of thinking. Then to escape the pain of our habitual negativity, we begin blaming others for our misery and look to anything or anyone for relief. I commonly tell people, “You will never find true happiness in a pill, powder, potion, or another person. True happiness is a matter which needs to be settled between you and God.” Catch this: Before we can keep events from making us truly unhappy, we need to make sure events are not what make us truly happy.

Smoothie King

As I left Dr. Tan’s suite on Tuesday, I was directed to go to the radiology department to pick up a bottle of barium solution that I need to drink for my abdominal CT scan in two weeks. The barium is in a very nice looking bottle and even says “Berry Smoothie” on it. I’m not sure who they are trying to kid; I’ve had this before and it’s like no other smoothie that I’ve ever had!! I suppose that if they dress up the outside that the patient will be more positive about what is on the inside. Anyway, I’m supposed to drink it one hour before my appointment on the 15th. The next day is when I have my appointment with Dr. Tan and should have the results to all my tests, and then see what’s next. By the way, I checked to make sure they were sending my blood tests to the right lab this time; they assured me they had it routed correctly. This blood test is the one which measures the number of leukemic cancer cells still circulating through my system.
Oh yes, I warned Eileen and our daughter not to drink the “smoothie” in the refrigerator. I thought about not warning them at all!! That would be funny for a few seconds!! Just kidding!!!!!!! You all are so protective of Eileen!!

Stories To Tell

It’s been nice not having to go to the cancer center on a regular basis for a while. But that all changed today as I will now be making a habit of it for a little while. My doctor is now in their new Woodlands facility which is the size of a small hospital. At least it seemed that way while I was trying to find my way around, DESPITE ASKING DIRECTIONS!! Yes, there are times men ask for directions!! After finally arriving at Dr. Tan’s suite, I recognized some of the old staff. Although I don’t want people to lose their jobs, I sure wished that the new facility would have brought a new staff; the old staff could have worked in salt mines somewhere!! Anyway, despite them recognizing me, they were still very nice!!
I arrived early which was both good and bad. As a purveyor of people, I looked into the faces of various patients sitting in the busy waiting room. If looks would tell their storyies, there would be some hard to hear testimonies. As my heart delved into their faces and body postures, I wondered what kind of cancer they had; I wondered how they were handling their chemo; I wondered if they got as sick as they looked; I wondered how much longer some would survive, and I prayed for them. I then thanked God for every ache, pain, cramp, gastric angst, migraine, arm pain, and other distresses my body is enduring and fighting through. I am so thankful to be in the shape I am in, rather than theirs. I also noticed that there were patients of all ages, all sizes, and ethnicity. The stories would all be different but we were all there united under the banner of cancer. Not to be rude, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there; that’s one group I don’t want to belong to. That’s a story I don’t want to have.
I sure hope that your and my prayers are answered and that I get the good news I am longing for from my lab results. I sure would like to be able to reduce or eliminate the Gleevec… but after today, I’ll be thankful if my status remains unchanged. I don’t scare easily, but today was an eerie day - - - a day to fall to my knees and be thankful for every challenge I do get to face.

Treading Water

Our family ushers in June with optimistic trepidation mixed with joy. The optimistic trepidation is in regard to the surgery Eileen will have and the cancer status tests I will have. It’s also a joyous time as we engage the June activities of our family and kids.
Our younger son called Saturday beaming with so much positive energy that I thought he had gotten a promotion. But no, he’s still in a hard battle for his job. He’s the one playing professional baseball. For some, our son is someone who plays baseball for the Phillies organization. It’s that for us too. But it is also his job; his source of income. A coach reminded the players the other day that after the draft in a couple of weeks, there will be a bunch of new guys who will have jobs. Let’s say that in the 50 draft rounds the Phillies select 40 players. That is 40 players who will have new jobs with the Phillies and 40 players who will lose their current jobs with the Phillies. Although our son enjoys his job enormously, one never knows what each day brings. For his part though, he’s not merely trying to keep his job; he’s trying to get the next job up the rung of the ladder!! As could be said, the best way to avoid drowning is not to keep treading water; it’s to swim to shore!!
Too often we just tread water in our jobs, in our family life, and in our faith life. That’s a dangerous way to try to stay afloat, especially in these very trying times in which everything American seems under attack. In our lives, we need to have a vision of where we want to go and then get swimming. We can tread water for only so long. I sometimes wonder if one of the reasons that we have so many emotional maladies is because we spend so much time treading water in our lives, rather than pursuing the dreams and opportunities that so many have sacrificed to give us.
So, as we usher in a new month and close the Memorial Day weekend, I hope we remember those who died to give us the freedoms they held so sacredly, which we should also hold so Divinely sacred. The men and women we honored especially yesterday didn’t die so that we could just tread water, drowning in our miseries. They died so we could have freedom and thus pursue the God-given fruits available to free men and women. It’s time we all get a sink or swim mentality toward our nation, our families, jobs, relationships, and faith life. This is a time to swim, not tread water!!